


I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN THE WORLD WITHOUT YOU

by cooloddball



Series: SUPERNATURAL [DESTIEL] CODAS [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Feels, Castiel to the Rescue (Supernatural), Emotionally Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), Emotionally Hurt Dean Winchester, Fix It Fic, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Season 15x15 coda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:20:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27177787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cooloddball/pseuds/cooloddball
Summary: Castiel tells Dean about Billie's plan for Jack.Season 15 Episode 15 coda.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: SUPERNATURAL [DESTIEL] CODAS [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2011573
Kudos: 23





	I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN THE WORLD WITHOUT YOU

Of all the people that Dean had known; most of them were dead and the only ones alive that he had known the longest was his brother Sam and Castiel. Cas. God, did he love that angel? He was his favorite angel, the rest of them were dicks, save for Samandriel.

His mind wandered back to Cas and what he had told him a few hours ago.

"You and Sam need to know something," Cas had said, his big cerulean eyes shrouded with pain. Dean had known that whatever was coming would be bad, cosmic level bad but not this bad. After all this time, and with everything they had been through all their lives, he had not expected to feel like someone ripped his heart out of his chest and replaced it with a box of ice until Castiel’s words hit him.

"Jack is going to die. When...if he kills Chuck and Amara, " Castiel had said in one breath without taking his eyes away from Dean's searching green ones.

Dean had thought that he had misheard him so he asked, "wh..what?!"

"Billie told him that his trials were making him into a bomb. That way, when he blows up, Chuck and Amara they all...he...uh...," Castiel had stopped talking, choking back tears. Dean had heard it in his voice.

" _Sonofabitch!_ Every time. Every fucking time! They have taken everything from us. Everything! And now they want to take our kid too?!" Dean had snapped, throwing the whisky bottle in his hand against the farthest wall. Amber liquid and shards of glass ricocheted everywhere. Castiel had flinched. Dean had sunk to the floor and sat there, his back against a concrete beam in the middle of the room with his head between his knees, he was shaking, sobs racking his body.

Castiel had moved towards him and embraced him. He knew that when Dean was like this, angry, sad, and scared, that's when he needed him the most. He had held him tightly and rocked him in his arms. He had not cared how the floor hurt his knees now that his grace was waning, he had felt the pain but the only thing he had cared about at the moment was Dean. Dean was hurting: they both were.

"It's going to be okay, Dean. I am going to find another way, " Castiel had said, running his fingers through Dean's hair. Dean had whimpered and sniffled, wiping his nose on the sleeve of his dead man's robe.

"There's no other way, Cas. The odds are against us, always have been. And now, our kid has to become a suicide bomber so the world can be safe? How much more can Chuck take from us? I will rip him apart with that _sonofabitch!_ "

Castiel had not said anything to that. He felt the same way but confirming his fears to Dean would have only made things worse.

"What are we supposed to do, Cas? I almost lost you this year due to my stupidity. Then I got you back. We also got our kid back. I have my whole family together at last and now we are going to lose our kid again? Who's next? You? Sam? The freaking universe?" Castiel’s heart ached at that. Dean was bound to lose him anyway. The deal with the Empty was looming in the shadows waiting patiently to snatch him away from his family. But he couldn’t tell Dean that at least not now. I also figured that if he died trying to save Jack, then he did not have to come clean to Dean about the Empty anyway.

"I will not let that happen. I am going to find another way. Even if it means that I have to take his place," Castiel said forgetting that Dean's greatest fear was losing him. He had forgotten that when he was in Dean’s mind trying to save him from Micheal, he had gotten a glimpse of one of Dean’s memories. Those dark memories that he thought he had tucked away so well, memories that were riddled in shame. He had seen how Dean had killed himself during a ghost hunting case, two years ago when Cas had died, killed by Lucifer. Dean had killed himself in the guise that he wanted to save those ghosts and the kid trapped in that haunted house but what Dean had not told Sam was that he had opted to stay dead because he couldn't live without Cas. He couldn’t. Billie had brought him back.

"What?!" Dean exclaimed, pushing him away from him. Castiel almost toppled over but he gained his balance and stood up. Dean stood up with him. They were now eye level, Dean's green red-rimmed eyes swimming in a pool of unshed tears.

"I am not losing you. Not again. Not after what it did to me the last time. I can't...I am not living in this godforsaken world without you. Fuck Billie and his messengers of God's destruction crap! If you die, I am dying with you, so long as we get to save Sam and Jack, I am good with it. But I am not living without you. Never again," Dean said matter of factly. He had gotten too close to Castiel who was leaning back, scared. Dean stepped away and rubbed his face, then ran a hand through his hair causing it to stand up.

"Dean, I can't let you do that. You are too important. You and Sam, you mean too much to me, you mean too much to the world. And Jack, he's my responsibility. I chose to let him live, so it is my choice to keep him alive. I promised Kelly. Besides, this is the best decision for everyone."

"Everyone? Really, Cas? Jack is not your responsibility. He is all of ours. You, me, and Sam. He is our kid. It is our responsibility to protect him. So no, you are not dying for him. At least not alone. I won't let you."

Cas sighed, letting out a breath he had not noticed that he had been holding. Dean had a point about Jack being their responsibility. But how was he supposed to let Dean die with him? He loved him. No, he was in love with him. He had been for a decade now. Everything he had ever done was for Dean, to protect him. Their fight last year had been about Castiel's choices and keeping secrets that had impacted their lives in a horrible way, so for now, he chose to agree with Dean.

"Fine. But no one has to die. I will find another way. A better. You and I have always found another solution to our problems. I'm sure this time we will too," the angel said, sighing again and somehow feeling lighter like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Dean seemed to relax too.

"So...uh where are you going to find another way? Everyone we know is dead. Michael is MIA."

"I will try talking to Rowena. She might know something about this bomb or another way of annihilating chuck & Amara without killing anyone else. The angels may have some idea too but I highly doubt they will be of any help. And Sergei," Castiel explained looking at Dean intently. His green eyes had started to clear up.

"Doesn't Sergei hate you?" Dean huffed as he attempted to suppress a laugh.

"You can say we have somewhat of a complicated relationship. He refuses to help me, I threaten him with death. He does what I asked, anyway. It's a win-win situation," Cas said, attempting humour. Dean smiled.

"Okay, Don Corleone. Go do what you have to do. I will hold the fort here, Dean said, the smile now long gone.

"Oh, Sam was asleep so I didn't want to wake him either. Tell him about Jack's role. He might help us find another way."

"Yeah, sure," Dean said stoically.

"Dean, you have to tell him," Cas said, concerned. He knew Dean would attempt to keep this from Sam, to protect him.

"Okay, fine. I will."

“Also, don’t be mad at Jack about keeping this from us. He has enough on his plate.”

“Okay, papa bear. I will behave, I promise,” Dean raised his hands in surrender and rolled his eyes. Cas smiled.

"I have to go now."

"Just...don’t get dead, okay? I need you," Dean said, his voice sad.

"Of course. Goodbye, Dean."

"Come here," Dean said, holding out his arms for Cas who in turn hugged him a little too tightly. Dean did not mind one single bit that the angel might’ve crushed him. They had stayed like that for what seemed like hours but it had only been a few minutes, inhaling each other's scent.

Finally, Dean let Cas go and patted the angel’s chest a little too enthusiastically. "No chick flick moments. Now go and don't forget to call me. And if you can't, text me. Okay?"

Castiel nodded and left looking back at Dean once he got at the foot of the staircase. Dean was looking back at him, with a barely-there smile. Castiel gave him a sad smile too and left.

Now, Dean was seated on his bed listening to  _ loyal, brave and true Christina Aguilera  _ which was playing on the radio and somehow it made him think about Castiel. He has long cleaned the kitchen of the shards of glass and the whisky splattered all over the floor and the walls.  _ Cas _ . For some reason, the thought of him made his chest flutter but it also shrouded it with sadness.

Castiel had always been there for him. He had given up everything for him. His family, they may be dicks but they were his family, his home, his grace, maybe not completely, yet but it was fading too. He had done unspeakable things so Dean wouldn't have to. He was his best friend, maybe even more, his soul mate? Did angels even have souls? All he knew at the moment was that he was not letting Castiel die again, not even for Jack. Whatever the other way would be, they were doing it together and even if it meant dying, they would do that together too.

He thought about Sam and how he would take the news about his and Castiel's death if it came to it. He figured he would be heartbroken but at least he would have Eileen and Jack and somehow that would bring him peace. He wiped the wet streams from his face. He had had a shitty life all under Chuck's control. He would be damned if he let anyone take this choice away from him too.

He was not going to live in a world with Castiel, not again.


End file.
